I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
