for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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