I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
