Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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