life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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