I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
