Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
