i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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