she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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