The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
