Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
