im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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