Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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