I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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