I think I died a long time ago.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
