I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
