What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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