I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
