i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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