i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
