She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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