Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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