Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
