Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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