Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
