I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
