I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
