I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
