i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
