Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And then he peed in my hair
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