They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
