The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
