she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
