I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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