i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just invented taco cereal.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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