Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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