im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
