when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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