I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
