I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
