OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
