Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
