Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
