I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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