You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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