I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
