I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
