Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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