Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
