they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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