the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
