Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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